My Girlfriend Is Ridiculous

2011-08-25T23:49:00.002-04:00

Thanks for tolerating me last night. I didn't mean to get drunk, but I wasn't getting any help from you with that wine.
It's alright. You were adorable.
Even though I was in my underwear with my pot belly stickin' out?
You don't have a pot belly, you've got muscle protection.

2011-08-20T00:11:00.002-04:00

Welcome home. My pants were all wet, so I had to take them off.
Why were your pants all wet?
Because I was walking in the rain.
Why were you walking in the rain?
Because I was going to Wendy's.
That makes a lot of sense. Here's the real test of your love for me. Did you get me a frosty?
No, but I did buy you a new case of Diet Cokes. And I put two in the fridge for you.
Why not three? I mean thank you.

2011-08-03T17:04:00.001-04:00

So, listen. Khal Drogo is the new Conan the Barbarian.
I'm still not seeing it.
Alright, cool. I just...thought I'd throw that out there.

2011-05-03T22:42:00.002-04:00

Okay, those tits are definitely fake.
I dunno...
Come on, who's the expert on boobs here? The one who gawks at them on the street or the one who's grown up with them?
You're too close to this one, Jess. You're off the case!
So are these girls all porn stars?
How would I know?
Because that IS your area of expertise.

2011-04-28T00:08:00.003-04:00

I wish I had all my friends in one place like you do.
If it makes you feel better, my best friend is on the other side of the country.
How is he, by the way? Has his girlfriend followed him out yet?
No, and I don't know why. She's Japanese -- flights to see her family would be shorter.
Maybe he's turning Japanese. I really think so.

2011-04-19T17:40:00.002-04:00

Babes, I'm gonna be stuck at the office again tonight.
I'll make brownies, so you can have a brownie when you get home. That is, assuming, I don't eat them all.
I'm going to come home to you covered in powdered sugar with your gut hanging over your jeans. Just slumped over on the ground, against the oven. 'This is a good death.'

2011-04-15T14:57:00.002-04:00

Its been a week and I haven't touched a soda.
Baby, I'm so proud of you.
Am I allowed to have one yet?
No!
Are you gonna keep saying 'No' until you come home to me in my underwear, swimming in empty coke cans?
Death by insulin shock.

2011-01-22T21:50:00.003-05:00

This is what you're like when you want a blowjob: "Hey! Whatcha doing? Hi! Can I come?" and then if I ignore you, I get humped. It's true I don't have to do anything for you, but there are repercussions...

2011-01-12T22:04:00.001-05:00

What do you wanna do?
We could play Tetris.
It's no fun when I'm so much better at it than you.
Congratulations on having one thing you're better at than me.
I'm better than you at a lot of things!
Like what?
Menstruation.

2011-01-04T15:52:00.002-05:00

If we ever get pregnant, and it's twins, I think you should name one and I should name one.
I don't like this hypothetical. I hear twins wreak havoc on your lady parts.
Please, I'm either adopting or c-sectioning that bitch. Natural birth is for people who don't plan on ever enjoying sex again.

2010-12-25T23:12:00.001-05:00

My dad made a Christmas lasagna, but it wasn't nearly as good as when we make it.
Obviously. We're like king and queen of the Lasagna Parade.
What a delicious honor.

2010-12-13T23:11:00.004-05:00

I need more Twizzlers.
So go get more. They're in the living room.
I can't get up. Would you get them for me?
I'm sure you'll find the strength to overcome.
But... my legs are broken.
What? Let me see.
No, it's too horrible.
I will mend them with kisses.
They're ... too far gone. Please, don't look. I don't want you to see me this way. Just... get me Twizzlers.

2010-12-13T22:48:00.004-05:00

Maybe you should get naked.
It's cold. I don't want to get naked.
Ha, like you have a choice.
I am not your nudie slave!
I wish you were my nudie slave.
Well I'm not your nudie slave.
On the weekends, you're my nudie slave.
It's true, sometimes I am your nudie slave.

2010-12-08T23:54:00.002-05:00

During a back massage.
This is better than you going down on me. Dirty, dirty dirty. You are so nasty. Oh, my God! I see the light. I'm converting to Brianism.
Seriously? Brianism?
The Father, Son and the Holy Boyfriend.

2010-12-02T23:45:00.002-05:00

To the left, to the left. Everything you own in a box to the left ... because we're moving into a new house. How exciting for us.

2010-11-28T23:25:00.002-05:00

Hey, are we doing naughty things tonight?
Yeah, okay.
Are we doing extra naughty things tonight?
Well, I didn't expect you to get home til real late, so I didn't think I'd be getting all razzle dazzle'd up.
I wasn't talkin' 'bout razzle dazzle, honey. I was talkin about roozle doozle.
Oh, in the caboozle? Yeah, that's cool.

2010-11-27T18:42:00.003-05:00

I saw "Love and Other Drugs" over the weekend.
Aw, I wanted to see that!
I'll see it again. It was really good. You get to see Anne Hathaway's breasts.
Slow down. Really?
You're gonna really like them. They're kind of like mine. Darker nipples, though.
Don't spoil it for me!
Sorry. But you know who the star of the show is?
Jake Gyllenhaal?
Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.
Okay, now.
And that ASS! Whoo!

2010-11-24T23:42:00.003-05:00

If you think I'm awesome in bed, gimme a kiss.
*smooch*
That was entrapment! This will never hold up in court.

2010-10-31T12:27:00.000-04:00

Using birth control to destroy period. What now science? Dumb motherfuckers.

2010-10-20T22:12:00.001-04:00

Lets play video games! I'll call some friends and see who's in.
We could do that... or we could get busy.
You're being very persuasive, but no.
Aw, come on!
What? You're not that hard. Want me to punch it for you?
No, don't!

2010-10-05T22:08:00.002-04:00

Hey I love you very much.
I love you too. Thanks for having a 4 or 5 day sex schedule.
When you say it like that, it sounds more like a 4 to 5 day bone schedule.
A 4 or 5 day doin' it schedule. ~Doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well!~

2010-10-02T00:38:00.002-04:00

It would be funny if you shaved off your goatee and when people asked you why you did it you could tell them, 'it's to be more aerodynamic in my girlfriend's snatch!' What do you think they'd say? 'That sounds pretty reasonable!'

2010-10-02T00:29:00.001-04:00

Who's your favorite character in Clue?
I bet you can guess. Knowing you, she's probably your favorite too.
Miss Scarlett?
Yup!
Do you know which one's my favorite?
Professor Plum!!
How'd you know?
Cause you're a big faggy fag!

2010-09-30T00:24:00.001-04:00

Some people have what they call personal space. I've got a sex bubble. You don't wanna get all up in this sex bubble.
...
Priceline Negotiator!

2010-09-28T11:14:00.001-04:00

Ah! Gross!
What?
You just performed cunnilingus on my hand. That's what.

2010-09-21T22:35:00.003-04:00

You got two choices. We can do it now, or we can do it later.
I just ate a big brownie, so... let's do it later.
Ugh, fine. I'll go do my own thing for a while

fifteen seconds later...

Hey...
What, are you ready now!?
No, I just followed a hot piece of ass in here.
God, it's like the pied fuckin' piper.

2010-09-21T22:32:00.001-04:00

Let me tell you something with complete sincerity: if your dick was covered in hair, I would not go down on you.
What if I shaved it every morning? Hm, that would probably mean I'd have a 5'o'clock shadow by the time we'd be back from work.
I think I'd like the texture.

2010-09-19T21:49:00.003-04:00

Oh shit, Ray just got killed!
No he didn't. Nobody dies in Disney movies.
I don't know... It's starting to rain.

2010-09-19T12:13:00.001-04:00

No, get off me. Is this a ploy? Why are you hard?!

2010-09-15T22:38:00.000-04:00

I'm covered in cum and singing Celine Dion. How much worse can it get?

2010-09-14T00:48:00.001-04:00

This is agitating. Unless we say something sexist or racist, nobody wants to comment on our blog.
Maybe we should burn some Korans or something...

2010-09-14T00:46:00.002-04:00

Stop leaving your damn clothes on the bed.
Stop taking them off me while I'm lying on the bed and they won't be there.
Oh, so this is my fault?

2010-09-13T13:04:00.002-04:00

I decided to watch Giada De Laurentiis until I figure out if she's an attractive woman or just a really tall gremlin. That was three years ago.
She's attractive, but her smile is terrifying. It's like she's trying to eat you.
Or stab you with her nose.

2010-09-11T22:02:00.003-04:00

Oh man, Bones is coming back on the 23rd. Maybe you'll finally watch it with me--
No.

2010-09-09T17:10:00.000-04:00

This day is so bad, not even Joseph Gordon-Levitt singing Lady Gaga can cheer me up.

2010-09-09T17:06:00.002-04:00

Did you see that cow's tongue? It kept picking its nose with it!
I didn't, but I did notice it kept drooling, more so as people approached it, like ... terror drooling.

2010-09-02T20:05:00.003-04:00

So I'm reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, and right after it begins there's a blowjob. Not just any ol' blowjob, a rape-blowjob. And you think, "this is not nearly enough rape for a 600-page book".

Never fear.

Within fifty pages there's another rape, but this time it's anal -- and while it's not consensual, it is expected. The rapee was taping the rapist as he raped her, which I think is a nice memento to take home after a rape. Then, in the third rape, the rapee rapes the raper, after which she plays for the raper the tape of the raper raping the rapee. So the raper, while being raped, watches the rape he committed previously! But we're only in the first hundred pages or so, and the best way to maximize the page-to-rape ratio is to create a serial rapist who is also a murderer.

He's a serial raping murderer -- and to make it all the more salacious, the serial raping murderer was raised by an anti-Semitic serial raping murderer. So naturally more rape ensues. The climax (ha!) of the book is in a torture chamber where the young serial raping murderer attempts to rape the lead male protagonist, who is not a rapist, but is very popular with at least three consenting females throughout the book.

After the young serial raping murderer kills himself (for fear of being found out) we find out his back story in which his anti-Semitic serial raping murdering father raped his sister, who in turn killed her father for raping her. The young serial raping murderer gets excited by all this and spends years raping his sister, who tells no one because she's afraid of being blamed for murdering her anti-Semitic serial rapist dad.

In between all this, there's a little bit about the history of Swedish banking or something.

2010-09-02T19:59:00.004-04:00

I took a Glee quiz and got Will Shuster. Does that mean I'm gay?
Taking the quiz means you're gay.
No! Our relationship is a sham. It's okay. I'll go to one of those gay conversion camps.
Yes those definitely work.
Great. Finally I'll enjoy having sex with you.
Yeah, I mean, as it is now, you always look so pained.
By the way, I'm not excited about suddenly seeing my family tonight. I wore my new purple shirt today and I know they're all gonna make comments about it.
Comments like what? "Jess turned you into a faggot. I bet you take Glee quizzes"?

2010-08-17T11:55:00.004-04:00

Would you want to spend $200 on a magical evening with me?
Um, how magical? Like literally magical? Like you grow an asses head and I'm a fairy queen?
No.
Oh. ...meh.

2010-08-16T12:43:00.002-04:00

Hey hon, it made me a little jealous this morning...
I knew it! You saw my toy.
I just wish you wouldn't spoon with it afterward.
I can't just use it and loose it. It needs some TLC too.

2010-08-11T11:23:00.003-04:00

We should go see Step Up 3D.
Are you sure you want to do that?
Well, yeah. Lil C did a lot of the choreography and we like him.
I don't think you get the elements that go into a Step Up movie. Basically you have a female protagonist, only mildly attractive, and she has about three lines: "I know I can do this", "You can't stop me from doing this", and "Bust it". Then a male protagonist gets introduced. He's invariably a love interest for the female, and when it seems the whole world is trying to keep them apart, you know what brings them together?
Is it dance?
DANCE! So basically you need to enjoy the thirty minutes of breaking, and tolerate as best you can the forty minutes of awful attempts at emotional dialogue and witty banter. So if you really want to do this, well then we can do it in three dimensions.

2010-08-10T12:56:00.003-04:00

Gotta do work tonight, babe. Sorry if I ignore you.
You don't ignore me when you do work -- we both need time alone every now and then.
Well, I'm just a social person. When I'm around people I like, it's hard to go and do my own thing. And (and this is top secret info) I really really like you.
Call the presses! I need to speak with someone at the Times! My boyfriend like likes me!
What!?
Do you want the story or not!?
A scandal? What a scoop! Nyah, see? I sees it. Front page headlines. Nyah.

2010-07-28T23:56:00.002-04:00

Hey baby, I like the things you do.
Hey, baby! If I could I would be you! You're the one and only girlfriend, with the one and only vag. You know how to take a blowjob and make it--
Grrrrreat!

2010-07-27T22:06:00.002-04:00

"And I don't want the world to see me!"
Where'd the Goo Goo Dolls come from?
You squeezed me and the Goo Goos came out.

2010-07-06T14:46:00.004-04:00

Inception comes out in a week!
Don't worry; we're going.
Bring a shamwow. It's gonna get messy.
Well... I'll just do that then.
Oh for holy fucking Christ, Cillian Murphy's in this too? It's got - all - three - of my fuck-passes. Best you bring two shamwows.

2010-07-04T11:07:00.001-04:00

Why are you so mean to me?
I'm not mean to you; I love you.
You only love my nipples!

2010-06-28T01:05:00.002-04:00

That shit's gone like Tupac.
Pop pop.
Ahahaha!
You don't ever expect me to get your rapper references, do you?
No, but I'm happy when you do!

2010-06-28T01:03:00.003-04:00

Are we seeing Inception?
Oh my god. Leo and JGL in the same movie? Are you kidding? I'll be having all sorts of orgasms.
Guess you're not holding hands with me during that movie.
I'll be holding your hand, but the other hand's gonna be busy...
...
...eatin' popcorn.

2010-06-22T13:44:00.003-04:00

What do you think of the new paint color in my room?
It's too loud, but it's your room, not mine.
Aw, but I still want you to come hang out in my room, and all.
Wild horses couldn't keep me from you. Do you honestly think a little paint will?
What if they were rabid horses?
...
So that's a no, then?

2010-06-12T13:29:00.002-04:00

I have to take this medicine for my ladybits so we're going to have to plan sex accordingly.
Why? Is it going to interfere with your birth control?
No. It's goopy.
Its... huh?
It's topical. Apply directly to the forehead ... of my vagina.

2010-06-11T16:27:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is a holiday for us. We can do anything we want, except beat me. We can't do that.
Well, good thing today isn't a holiday, then.

2010-06-11T16:24:00.002-04:00

It's a bit like Punch Buggy.
Punch Buggy?
Yeah, you don't know that game?
No, I do. It's when you punch buggies.
No.
That's not it?
Not at all.

2010-06-11T16:22:00.002-04:00

I'm so excited, but we are having sex tonight, even if I fall asleep before it starts.
Well, good thing I have no problem sexing you while you're unconscious.
You have no problem sexing me while you're unconscious. Whether I'm awake isn't even a variable.

2010-06-08T16:16:00.002-04:00

What do you have for brekkies?
Multigrain Cheerios, which I know you think are gross, but they're mighty tasty.
HA! Lies.
I wonder... if you've ever even had Multigrain Cheerios?
I probably haven't, but why blaspheme a good thing?
Listen, you can't just brush other kinds of Cheerios under the carpet. Just because you don't want different kinds of Cheerios doesn't mean they're not here. They can't be 'separate but equal'.
Not in MY America...n cereal bowl.
We didn't land on General Mills. General Mills landed on us!
I'm moving to Arizona, where they properly screen their cereals.

2010-05-29T00:28:00.001-04:00

This is my love for you. Can you feel it?
It's goopy.

2010-05-25T15:31:00.003-04:00

Have you been working? Do I need to stand over you like a drill sergeant and bark things into your ear?
No, that would likely just be distracting. And as much as I'd like to see you dressed up in a skimpy army uniform, that would be VERY distracting.
But I could set up an obstacle course in our bedroom, cover us in mud...
That sounds ridiculous.
You shut your yap, Private Pissypants! Now drop and give me twenty!

2010-05-25T15:30:00.002-04:00

You know what I wish people said more often?
"There's more cake"? Oh, don't give me that face, you lard-o.

2010-05-19T12:23:00.003-04:00

Tonight I want to give you a long back massage.
Oh, that sounds really nice!
And then you can do mine! It'll be romantic.
Aw, what? I'd like to point out the record shows when I give you a back-rub, I don't ask for something in return.
Please bitch, you're getting a blowjob tonight too. I'm getting the short end of the stick here.
You can't just be like "Shut up, I suck your dick," every time I try to make a valid argument. That's not fair.
Yes it is. Do you know how many men have to beg, borrow and steal for blowjobs? I need to keep you constantly grateful, so it's either I remind you, or I put you into a dry spell. It's up to you, Marie Antoinette.

2010-05-18T15:34:00.006-04:00

You hear a Muslim girl won Miss USA? I thought only six-foot blond Christians were allowed to win.
Yeah, and then pics of her pole dancing came out. Trump sure can pick 'em.
Basically, the way to win is to appear as pretty and agreeable as possible.
Or be Carrie Prejean, and become a Republican icon for your intolerance. You hear she's got a book out?
About what? That woman can barely talk, let alone read or write.
No joke. Check it out on Amazon.
"Frequently purchased with Going Rouge and Arguing With Idiots."

2010-05-14T15:37:00.002-04:00

You know, I've forgotten how much I love Crunch bars.
No, don't do it! I'm baking a cake tonight!
Sorry, it's already done.
Well, guess you're just gonna have to be fat, cause you are eating this fucking cake.
But we just had a big talk about being healthy!
Wait, you're not gonna eat my cake?
Who the fuck do you think I am?! Hell yeah I'm gonna eat that cake.
God, I love you.

2010-05-13T10:50:00.004-04:00

Eventually I want to get a leather couch for the living room.
You have no idea how much I agree with this.
Oh yes I do. Because I want to have sex on it. It's how we mark things as ours.
When we get this couch, I'm probably going to sleep on it for a few nights. Just because I can.
It's okay. You'd be bonding. Just don't bond with it too much.
"Are you and Jess fighting?" "We will be when she finds out I've been cheating on her with the couch."
"How'd you get all that spare change?" "You don't want to know."

2010-05-05T20:23:00.004-04:00

Man, why do we keep losing?
Your leadership sucks! I know you're amazing at Left 4 Dead, but you suck at giving orders.
Well why don't you lead us out this time, hot shot?

The survivors have escaped!
Haaa~!!
...You got lucky.
Whatever! Shut up. I rock.

2010-05-04T14:20:00.003-04:00

Thank you for the gardener kit you bought me! My sunflower sprouts are getting so big, I'm gonna need a bigger pot.
Well, what if it's not a sunflower at all? What if it's a magic beanstalk?
Why? Did you barter for these seeds with a cow?
What's with the twenty questions!? GEEZ!
I won't be mad, just be honest. Should I be planning to fight a giant in the near future?
All I'm saying is build a very secure goose coop.

2010-05-04T13:39:00.003-04:00

People are talking like Iron Man 2 is gonna blow, but only the Hollywood Reporter said it was bad.
It has RDJ in it. It can't be bad.
I have to ask a serious question now. Do you love me only because sometimes I remind you of Robert Downey Jr.?
To be honest, you're kind of a hybrid of RDJ, Woody and Feivel.
Aww, you think I'm like Woody Harrelson? You really know how to compliment me, appealing to my love of Cheers like that.
Actually, I meant Woody from Toy Story.
Oh. So by Feivel, you mean from Feivel Goes West.
Yes!
...Awesome...
Oh come on, don't go slashing your wrists over it, ya emo.

2010-05-03T14:45:00.003-04:00

I'm gonna go running today!
What about your knee injury? You should wrap it beforehand.
It's not a big deal. I should be fine.
Okay, but if you break something, I'm sho nuff not carrying you up and down your stairs.
Even though you installed your own air conditioner?
Just because I'm a woman warrior doesn't make you Miss Daisy.

2010-04-30T21:25:00.003-04:00

I want to cook hamburgers tonight, but that's a lot of work to do just for myself.
You can always freeze a bunch of patties after you make them, and cook them up another day.
Look, I'm not dating you for your practicality. I'm dating you for the disco stick.

2010-04-26T22:01:00.001-04:00

The only things in my CD player during elementary school was the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack, the Lion King soundtrack, and Def Leppard's Hysteria.
My boyfriend ... has a big penis.

2010-04-24T13:54:00.002-04:00

What do you want to do today?
Well... I need to clean my grill, and then maybe after I'll clean your grille, too!
Can't. I'm on my period.
Dammit! I never know what's goin' on down there. You need to set up a twitter account for that thing.

2010-04-21T12:22:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry, babe, I gotta run home before I come over tonight.
That's fine, I'll be home, oiling my six pack abs, waiting for my lady to arrive so I can tear her clothes off.
No go playa. I'm in a delicate condition.
Aw, crap.
But, my mouth is healed, so there is that.
Oh, that's great, pumpkin. I'm so happy your mouth doesn't hurt anymore. You know, for you, and stuff.

2010-04-20T13:47:00.002-04:00

I was up all last night yelling at Roger Ebert because he hates video games.
He has no jaw, Brian. How can you yell at a man with no jaw? What kind of monster are you?
He also has no soul.
It came out with the jaw!

2010-04-17T14:29:00.003-04:00

Check out this video of a parrot humping a dude's neck.
Aw, look at him, he's beautiful! Oh, wait. Oh no.
Oh yes.
Hey, wait, is that Stephen Fry? I love that man!
Me too!
He can narrate my life story. Hell, he can narrate me taking a shit if he wants to.
I don't know that I can get on board with that.
No, but I think he'd find our coitus very fascinating: "Oh, yes, yes. Jolly good, this is quite intriguing! And ... yes I think he's come to an end. Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it."
"A rare display of ... two white people ... doin' it".

2010-04-15T20:07:00.003-04:00

You know who you remind me of? Woody from Toy Story.
Is it because Tom Hanks and I sound alike?
No, it's cause he does a fey little hip switch. I always think to myself, "I gotta get Bri to do that."
You know I already have, exhaustively.
Yeah, but I mean in a cowboy hat.
Well, this is getting PG-13 awful quickly.
You can say something like, "There's a gun in every man's heart. Pa-choo! Pa-choo!", and then we have sex.

2010-04-14T14:20:00.003-04:00

Hon, thanks for not demanding outrageous things of me, like that I shave off my majestic facial hair.
Your beard is, like, your power animal. You have to be with it always. But thank you for not using said facial hair like a grater against my cheeks.

2010-04-14T14:01:00.002-04:00

I've got a present to give you today.
Is it a mix tape?
It is, so you better grab your discman and hang it from your home-ripped Levis while you rip your glutes at the basketball court.
Radical. Is there some Whitesnake on it?
No, but it's definitely sweatband-worthy.

2010-04-13T11:35:00.001-04:00

I may need to rewatch some episodes from last night.
I'm not surprised you wouldn't remember them. You got tired fast.
I don't know what happened! Your lap is like an opium den.

2010-04-07T13:22:00.003-04:00

I wish I could've had sex with you when we were teenagers. I know you say you were an awkward teenager, but my demand for total sexual conquest cares not for temporal constraints.
I wasn't so much awkward as very, very bitchy.
You wouldn't have lasted long against me.
Why? Because your penis would have tamed me?
...Yeeesss?

2010-03-23T13:31:00.002-04:00

Hey babe?
Not now, I'm watching House.
Don't worry, he'll definitely have the solution. We'll only have to wait for an unrelated social gesture that gives him an epiphany, roughly 49 minutes from now.
Don't make fun of House! Just because he's so smart he needs completely unrelated cues to make diagnostic connections doesn't mean he's a bad doctor.
Neither does the prescription drug abuse, or scathing bedside manner, or interoffice relationshipping.
Well, he's not prescription drug abusing anymore, and he's not interoffice relationshipping either, but he is still scathing bedside mannering.
He eyefucks the brunette chick. Count it.
Overruled.
Objection!
Overruled! One more outburst from you and I'll find you in contempt!
Hold it!
That's it! Bailiff, handcuff that woman and bring her to my private quarters! Bow chicka wow ow!
Court of love. A new series on VH1 this summer.
Don't make me take out my gavel.

2010-03-23T12:12:00.002-04:00

I was on TV today with my artist, and when I went to her dressing room to say goodbye, I didn't realize she was getting changed, and I ended up giving everyone kisses while she was hangin' out all over the place.
So you got to see her ta tas?
And a whole lot more.
How did she feel about this?
Apparently she felt super about it.
Oh... Oh my! I, uh...
And my bosses are finally being like, 'ok, Jess can run the show'
Now that you've seen your artist's boobs, you have enough experience.
The key was there all along, I just needed to reach out and grab...it. Them?

2010-03-20T13:29:00.002-04:00

I really want to do this chat roulette thing.
Well... I hope you like anonymous dongs.
It's the best kind of dong there is.
Whoa, what about my dong?
You don't have a dong. You have mechanized equipment. You're on a mission to satisfy.
You make it sound like my penis is The Borg.
It was supposed to be a compliment.
I got that, but now I think I'm gonna install LED's on my junk. You know, for safe landings.
I refuse to lick an LED.
Well there goes that idea.

2010-03-20T13:21:00.003-04:00

You seem nervous about going home. Are you inheriting a child or something?
It's my dad's birthday and I can never find a good gift for him. What he wants, I can't afford.
I could flash him for you.
We don't have to go that far, but I could tell him stories of my sexual conquest over you.
See? Now that's a legacy a man can be proud of. If he's not crying by the end of that, the man has no heart.

2010-03-10T17:04:00.003-05:00

You're free Sunday, right? It's Steak & Blowjob Day.
My favorite holiday! What's the game plan?
We're doin' it classy style.
I like it when it's classy.
Classy like when you make sexual demands and I say "Ja!" and coyly giggle.
Oh. Oh my. Are you going to speak dirty to me in foreign languages I don't understand?
Vielleicht.
I'm hard.

2010-02-24T10:53:00.003-05:00

You said you weren't feeling well. How's your throat today?
Pretty good. I went to choir last night, and the guy next to me said, "You sound great."
Hey! Tell him to back off. You're mine.
You've got nothing to worry about. He was so gay, like... incredibly gay. If I had wrung him out, I'd have a bucket of Zima.

2010-02-19T21:56:00.002-05:00

I'm so beat. I'm gonna go to bed early.
Okay, goodnight pickle.
Steam Update: Brian is playing Bioshock 2.
BIOSHOCK IS NOT SLEEP, BRIAN!
God damn you Steam! Quit ratting me out to my girlfriend!
Why did you lie to me?!
I didn't. I was gonna go to bed, but I'm dumb, so then I thought ... Bioshock!
You're a bastard!
I love you!
I hate you! I hate you so goddamn much. I hope you like the silent treatment.
Don't be mad. I'm just gonna play for a little while.
Fuck you, motherfucker!
You're not used to giving the silent treatment are you?
It's true, the aggressively violent treatment has tested better.

2010-02-08T15:10:00.003-05:00

I wouldn't be angry if you went to a strip club. I'd be angry if you got a lap dance, but I don't think you'd do that. Waste of money. Plus you get a happy ending free at home with me.
It's economics, baby, and you've cornered the market ... on my penis.
You could say I offer my bountiful goods at cut-throat prices.
You're a vagina baron. I'm gonna have to come in and bust your trust!

2010-01-20T21:21:00.002-05:00

It's like wearing a diaper but there's no diaper! You will never know this feeling!
Unless I let a gay dude come in my butt.
Or a straight guy who wants to experiment.

2009-12-23T11:13:00.003-05:00

My friend just broke up with his girlfriend, so don't mention that kinda stuff at dinner, okay?
Well now what am I gonna talk to him about?
Man things. Fly fishing, beer, how good it feels when you scratch your balls.
Really? When you thought 'manly', the first thing that came to mind was fly fishing?
Yes, the epitome of manliness is a fisherman's hat, beer gut, and knee-high rubber boots.

2009-12-23T00:46:00.002-05:00

I discovered the thigh adductor and abductor today.
Shit, you found that? I'm... a little scared.
Why?
What happens if you keep using it and then accidentally choke me to death with your thighs while I'm going down on you?
I'd say that's a death worth dying. Honestly could you imagine a more glorious way to go? Crushed in the throes of my passion? You'd be a legend.

Jess & Bri Go Fo Ho Cho

2009-12-05T11:18:00.004-05:00

Want to get hot chocolates at Max Brenner's later?
Yeaaah, let's get some Ho Cho.
Yeah! Wait, is hocho short for hot chocolate?
YES!
I'm not saying that.
You know who would? Selma Hayek on 30 Rock.
I... think I agree with you. How do you spell it?
Ho -- Cho. Two words; like a Chinaman.

Have you gained weight since you started working here?
Yes.
I knew it.
JESSICA! Sir, I'm very sorry. Jess, let's go.

This cocoa is like an angel ejaculating into my mouth.
I like to think of them more as boobs, because they're milky.
Stop suckling your Ho Cho.
You said it!!

2009-12-03T12:54:00.002-05:00

Holy crap. These frames are $300.
Were you expecting something closer to $200?
No. It's always a shock seeing the price, though.
Well, $300 is 25% off the Lenscrafters price.
Oh please, I'll take $300 over $400 any day.
You know why that is? 'Cause you're sexy.
And poor. Sexy and poor.

2009-11-30T16:14:00.005-05:00

I ate so much candy. Each bite was like a sugary piece of manna.
I bet if I bit into you, I'd grow a mustache as long as Wilford Brimley's.
Why?! Why would you do that?
Because I'd get the diabeetus.
I'm really uncomfortable with a mustache of that magnitude.
Too bad.
"Too bad"? Don't tell me "too bad". You know what's "too bad"? Me being afraid to kiss you because your mustache might eat me, or tickle me to death.

2009-11-27T16:42:00.002-05:00

Hey, I made reservations for us at Aquavit!
So, what you're saying is, you're happy with your sex life, and would like it to continue.

2009-11-25T20:22:00.002-05:00

Mmm, you smell really good, baby.
You kinda smell like butt and condoms.
I smelled good a while ago.
Well, now you smell like butt and condoms.
Great. Mood over then.
No, come back. The mood is still on--CONDOMS!!

2009-11-23T18:37:00.002-05:00

Hey, I know you're heading out to your parents' Thursday, but do you want to still meet up on Wednesday? I'd understand if you don't want to stay over, but even so.
Well, how else am I going to show how thankful I am for you?
I guess I know what I'm doing Wednesday, then.
Stuffing the turkey?
Oh my.
True story, I feel gross having said that.

Thank You Viewers

2009-11-23T15:23:00.004-05:00

Friends, my girlfriend and I are nearing our first anniversary. There have been some bumps along the way, but I wanted to thank you all for reminding us with your support why we put up with each other: for you.

For all of you, so no one ever have to run the risk of dating either of us.

We had a small bet going, that if we hit 250 subscribers before our anniversary, I would get ten blowjobs, and I'm happy to say we hit that mark.

So thank you, readers. All two hundred and fifty of you are responsible for 4% of one of those blowjobs, and in this world, and with the holiday season in front of us, I'd like to thank all of you for getting in the spirit by idly drooling in front of your monitors.

And your generosity has kindled a giving spirit within myself as well.

With anniversaries come anniversary presents, and what did the miss with a mouth get? Diamonds? A vacation to Italy? Something much better: a computer, and a copy of Left 4 Dead 2, so buckle up everyone. We'll be documenting our Skype chats while mowin' down zombies very soon. Borderlands, too!

But none of that Modern Warfare 2 bullshit. We're not faggots.

2009-11-22T18:06:00.003-05:00

Baby, do you love me? Devo is playing November 20th and the 21st... in New York City. I have no money right now, but I swear with all my being if you buy me a ticket and go with me, I will do shameless things to you, and then eventually pay you back.
So let me get this straight. Devo is playing yesterday, and the day before yesterday?
FUCK! NO!! LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING! ...I'm gonna go sink into an unmoored depression now. Be right back.

2009-11-20T11:03:00.003-05:00

Can I get a Junior Frosty?
Sure you don't want fries too for dipping?
Ugh. I think I'd rather throw up. Anyway, the fries here are crap.
No they're not, you just gotta eat em fresh.
No, they're pretty bad.
Thank you!
Wow, betrayed by the neighborhood Wendy's. You know, this is just indicative of your bad taste, like when you eat cereal without milk.
Lucky Charms is good without milk. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Thank you!
...
Aw, ya'll so cute. I was gettin' lost in the moment.

2009-11-19T13:12:00.005-05:00

Is 'going down on' an acceptable phrase?
Yeah it's fine.
But it sounds like something out of an 80's rock ballad. You know, it's like "and when I'm goin' DOWN on you / Baby when you're DOWN on me-e-e!"
Shut up now or I'm never "goin' down on you" ever again.
Come on, 'Goin Down On Me (You)' could be a real hit.
Yeah, that's definitely makin' it into the Greatest HITS Collection.

2009-11-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

Stop talking, I just want to smell you.

2009-11-11T22:35:00.002-05:00

You're Ahbed, I'm the Disco Spider.
How come you get to be the black guy and I have Aspergers?
I don't think I need to explain that.

2009-11-09T13:32:00.004-05:00

So what are we having for dinner tonight?
Well, we could do a lot of things. Pasta? Hamburgers? Pierogies? Thai?
Are you trying to trick me into wanting pierogies? I just watched 30 Rock. You're using the Hornberger Method!
WHICH DO YOU WANT?